It’s Friday, my eyelids heavy with partial lack of sleep. Last night was spent trawling the streets of Edgware Road looking for batteries. 2am, mission accomplished amidst odd knowing glances from Arab men behind the counter, clearly aware what a woman dressed in jog pants, wife beater and a baker boy cap is doing out at 2am looking for batteries. At home, I take the old ones out of the freezer and think to save it, just in case. Slip the new batteries in its new home and turn the knob to test it actually works, loathe to have to go out there again looking for another replacement and promptly (and justly so might I add) cursing out the residual malformation of an amoeba who sold me the initial faulty item. It whizzes violently in my hand, supercharged and rearing to go. Funny word rearing, always sounds just a touch on this side of lewd.

So I begin. I tried to focus, take my mind of things and enter a hypersphere of nothing but nerve endings. 15 minutes into it and I all but give up. This was not meant to be. Another £30 bucks ill spent on an unfulfilled promise. At least I can cross this off my list now. Soundtrack to The Cooler playing, still feeling like experimenting, I decided to make a phone call. It rang; she picked up and acted on cue. Her every breath dispelled notions of wholesomeness and in its place an invitation to tempting if somewhat dirty, suggestions of the alternative. Sugah, I wish you were in my bed. Don’t call me sugah. But your sweetness is as clear as day is bright. Are we talking summer or winter? Why do you play games with me? I don’t. Fine, I wont call you sugah in future. Gracias. So what are you doing? About to get in bed. And then? Tease myself to sleep. With? Take a wild guess. Those things are addictive. It’s yet to work so I think I’m safe. What are you doing now? … I think I’m getting wet…She talks dirty, I inhale, close my eyes and almost …

Almost doesn’t count. 3am, I fall asleep. She sends a text, waking me. Why do you punish yourself this way? Call someone to do you, who have you been fucking lately. None of your business I retort. I need to sleep now lest I don’t make it to work on time. I’ll be in London soon she said. Goodnight.

Then came sleep. Or some slight semblance of it. A new nightmare this time. I’m me, same face, same height, same body but something was different. I walk around and meet people both old and new. Haider walked by and I notice for the first time that I looked a tramp. Hair hacked and tousled like a beast in a manger, clothes ill fitting and terribly dated. I closed my eyes and froze like a mannequin, hoping I wouldn’t be noticed. But noticed, I was. Sods law. He walked around with me, I tried desperately not to grab his hands and shove it down my panties. Whatever is the matter with me? I don’t get horny, not like this. I’m the queen of suppressed desires. We stop abruptly near a ridiculous looking sports car. I’ve never been a fan of the ghastly nouveaux riches. On my knees, I see his face. Familiar yet unknown. Hi, long time, so this is what it takes to get your attention. Pardon me? If Haider hadn’t brought you along, would I have seen you again? I fumble at something sounding like an excuse or an apology or both. You never called me back, you don’t pick up calls but here you are. Not that I care. Of course not. So how are you anyway? My stomach felt funny. Bloated almost but not quite. I am good, thanks, I replied. So when can I take you out to dinner. Whenever you like, call me. He laughed. Yeah, right, whatever. He brings out the ugliest watches I have ever had the honour to lay eyes upon. Err… ok, what are you doing (though thinking to myself they look stolen and please tell me he isn’t planning on bribing me with watches). Pick one. Huhn? Any one. Well, where is the one you were going to give me last time? That was over a year ago, I sold it already. (phew!) Oh really? That’s a shame, that’s the one I’d prefer. Well how about this one? – out comes a garish spaceship of a gadget with more diamonds on and in it than I could hurl at a footballers wife wannabe. Er... must I really? I mean, it looks expensive, you should sell that. How about this one? No really, this is your business, whatever will happen to your profit margin if you keep giving things away. Fine he said, I’ll sell what I can today and leave whatever I don’t sell for you my princess. (Eurgh)! I got up and tried to run as fast as I could away from there. Damn Haider for taking me there. Then it happened.

It kicked. Though not in the fashion of something sending a reminder as to its existence, more like, well, an announcement. I am on my way! Then came the pain. What the fuck is happening?! The word fuck had me contract a little, clit responded accordingly and it was almost pleasure, then the movement again. I cannot have a baby! WTF is going on?! I am not pregnant, how could I be? I cannot have a baby!